Yeah!!! Celebration! it's the end of the exams...
Shit! Damn... I have some issues with Ken, but i do not know how to solve it... shan't say everything out, because people who don't know me.. or choose not to or watever will think that there's nothing wrong with the things that he do... and that will choose to think i may be too superficial or etc... Which i certainly don't need that from others...
I just don't know where to carry on from here with Ken... So what if he treats me well? So what if he pampers me.. I can't move on with him if he cannot make me feel that there are dreams and aspiration that we can head towards to together! I can't move on with him, if in the slightly, simplest things that he do i can't feel secure about it.
Ah... please help me... In different aspect of treatment, he is super good to me.. a super good boyfriend who's always there patiently listening to me... He always says he's mesmorise with me.. head over heels and stuffs... So is that why he's always good patiently good to me?!
I used to have more faith in relationships... then till after CK, came Ken and i realise that to maintain relationship is very difficult.. especially when u have to learn to be nice... I think my hormones may be fluctuating again to the level of "i love no one and i'm fine with it" again...
Time with Ken wasn't easy and the time when i start being nice to him came crap from him... His personality sometimes make me realise why his ex, zhixian can't feel secure... then again, sometimes i wonder how can one doesn't feel secure with Ken...
She broke up with him and i thought it's a good choice, since she doesn't feel good with him anymore... I thought relationships that has turned sour is no use having repair... People nowadays don't have that strong enough faith to carry on...
I don't have faith.. so the way i treat Ken sometimes sucks.. and i apologise about it...
I like the Ken whom i always hold up high.. whom i always thought he's superior.. smarter, more capable and more handsomer....
Then i realise that men... not jsut him.. i'm talking with regards to most men that i've been around with and stuffs.. and these MEn.. or rather almost most men... are terrible creatures! They think they are so damn smart... and so damn capable.. and so damn handsome.. which in due time.. u will then realise that they are not that good afterall.. hm... so sad right.......
I want to go away... and that's what i wanted to do since years back... but Ken doesn't think he can.. and wants me to hold it for 10 years! he has the life that he wanna lead.. but so do i.. How do we compromise and how to hold back? Life is very different for us definitely since we are 2 different individuals... we have different views and hence when we want things we want it differently. More so with the different way of upbringing... argh.. Shit!
~AuRo`Na~
Saturday, December 02, 2006