Tuesday, November 21, 2006
if quek read this.. she will definitely say.. "Aiyo.. why like that?!"
Today unhappy over something again.. why? why everytime also must be like that.. i don't think i can ever remember any instances when i can have 3 days of peace with Ken... It seems like every few days we must have some issues... Why? why like that?
Nothing wrong with him wanting his freedom... but this time round.. he wants to smoke.. then again.. nothing wrong with smokin.. i don't clasify people who smokes as idiots.. i don't think smoking means there's anything bad about this person.. except that it'll hard his health.. i think it's ok to smoke... i mean... ok.. as in for personality...
But i just don't want Ken to smoke... and because i know i have sufficient grounds and reasons for me to not want his to even smoke.. not even taste the cigarette or.. to even just smoke...
All thanks to his colleague.. who ask him for smoking break every single day...
Just for your info... i feel terrible when this happens because the first time ken has ever smoked in his life.. was when he was with me.. in May... when he went eski bar... So... am i at fault now?! i do feel i am.. though we are all adults.. and we should all respect each other's decisions and stuffs...
can say that i'm not as open or watever.. but... he claims that i'm too restrictive.. then aagin.. no one has ever tested my limits till like that before.. not only in this matter.. but in a lot of other things that he did... no one yearn for this sort of freedom like he does.. i've never seen someone like him before.. and somehow.. many kinda shit that i can't stand in the very beginning.. i'm already accepting them now...
I've learn to accept many things that he do.. all in the name of love...
Do i not love him enough? Do i love him in the wrong way?
My dad has been smoking all his life.. and whether my mum say anything about it.. i don't know.. i have absolutely no ifea.. but my mother is the kind who gives people a lot of choices.. freedom of choice.... that's why i can choose almost anything i want... then again.. i doubt she has never ssid anything about my dad smoking..
When i first got to know ken.. and knowing about his family.. i got to know that his dad used to smoke.. and has quitted... and that he did said something about not wanting to smoke.. and will not smoke.. because his dad tried so hard to quit smoking for the family... I never thought ken will smoke.. not that he's an addict now.. but i find that the mentality of thinking that he like to smoke.. and he likes to smoke once in a while is somewhat weird.. and i think wrong...
yesterday he smoked.. and because the previous time he smoked.. i had a big reaction over it.. and gave him cold shower for one whole day... so.. when i questioned him.. if he did smoke.. he denied... only until.. i am really insistant that he did smoke.. then he admitted to that... then today.. when he came near me.. i smelt the smoke again.... (all thanks to I2R for giving him a smoking buddy)
Because yesterday we came to the agreement that it's ok to do it once in a while... i had bad feelings.. and i had the intuition that he will do it more often.. it's like.. when u do something... and people ok.. agree.. and forgive to it.. the more often u will do it.. it's the same as once bitten twice shy that kinda thing...
I sort of expected it... so.. today when he told me about it.. i wasn't pissed off anymore.. but why is it that i have to guess it right?!!! why is it that i have to get it right.. that it will be even so much more frequently...
And for this that he did.. i don't wanna talk to him at all.. i don't even feel like it.. because whatever i say.. anything i say will not matter anymore.. he will still smoke... all the time.. and as i can imply and many can assume.. he smokes at least 3/4 times a week.. when he's talking to that colleague of his...
I swear.. if it's in the public.. and people are smoking.. and he do the same.. i won't show him any temper.. but i don't understand why is it that.. he wants to do it.. when he said he won't!!!! he told me.. yesterday that people change.. belief change.. and thoughts change.. so?! what is he trying to tell me?!
I know he love me.. but this kinda words that u say to me.. hurt me... and wil leave a scar in me... i don't know when to listen.. when to believe anymore.. because u pursue freedom of choice.. and freedom of expression... i can't help but wonder..
when will u scream and shout at me?
Because i'm hard to handle and i can't accept things that easily.. when will be the next time u will lie to me?
What is the next thing u will lie about?
How to trust u? for u are such a changable person...
When is the real u?
The issue is no longer about smoking... but about me and u... I don't mean to bring everything in... but this is what u are trying to tell me... about u... about your freedom of choice.. about how u wanna live ur life... About how i should never question u... about what i'm expected to do when i'm with u...
So... how?
~AuRo`Na~
Tuesday, November 21, 2006