My love has yet to die.. perhaps... the emotions that has all along been directed to him is over... but i realise that.. sometime.. many things have different sides...
My love for him might not be there.. but the love.. that very strong love that once existed is still around.. and it's still haunting me...
Indeed, i may love ken.. and there are many things that i'm willing ot do for him... But i should say that the love i have for him.. is far far.. way lesser than what i used to have for CK.. and for now... what is left persisting still is greater than the love for Ken... So sad to say this....
Ken deserves better...
Yesterday night before i fall alseep... i thought of all the memories i had with him.. and i do know that... i miss those times.. there were just too many good times that we had and yeap... in a way.. i 'kan bu kai'...
I have such strong believes tat if one can forget things easily... then... life would be easy... why can people let go of a relationship.. or rather not relationship. but an emotions.. a feeling.. an attachment so easily...
After all, it's easier to lie to others than to lie to yourself ba...
Yeap... because of such strong beliefs... it irritates me when i view at Ken's testimonials which say how good he n ZX are a model couple and things like that.... I don't like the way Ck gets to involved into msging when he's with me.. i seem to get paranoid when he's like msging none stop... (jsut like in the past)...
Because of ken n zx... i chose to not talk to him for a day.. I think he'll never like me as much..
I think the relationship i have with him will not be comparable to that he has with zx.. and because of my competitive nature and character... i always like to give up on things which i have no rights on... no possesion... no say... Sometimes, i know how paranoid i can be.. and how i can be so bothered about things like that.. that.. i just don't want to be with ken.. around ken.. and watever crap...
ok.. back to last night.. i dreamt of Ck.... o hyeah.. on tuesday night, i had a sucky dream.. can't tell u people what dream i have.. but it suck so much.. it made my whole of yesterday too sucky to be true.. feeling nausea all day wtf...
yeah.. Ck... anyway, o u get me when i say.. i no longer loves him.. but that love does exist?! okok... that strong loves sometimes makes me find it hard to go and love someone else... hm.. not too sure if it's good to knwo that i have the capability to love someone so much or bad.. that argh.... i can't love someone as much.. unless i love that person more!!
ok.. that's my thoughts for now... see ya...
~AuRo`Na~
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Joke:
My mother is so fat.. then when she jump for joy.... She got stuck!
And i'm now so fucking fat that i should start controlling my diet! WTF!
~AuRo`Na~
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
i was talking to ken yesterday, then i realise that he has the same sentiments as me...
The confusing relationship that we are having...
Some people sees as as a couple.. some people think that we are together already..
But we are not officially together yet... or we were once together.. then we broke up.. cos i thought i still have some CK in me...
On saturday evening... Ck drop by to teach me analog electronics... When i was with him.. i felt that there was just a platonic relationship..
Then i realise that his msgs come none stop and i thought it must be a girl.. otherwise he won't be so attentive... And then i felt sad... i felt that i will no longer have him in my life again... After he left.. i went to ken's place to give ken a gift...
Cos he bought me a fragrance... escada... rockin'rio... He has been doing a lot of things for me. including my birthday.. so... i bought his something he like too... Armani fragrance...
On sunday... Ken and i had dinner together.. and we spent our time together like we are a couple...
We approached an issue that day.. and realise that... yes.. we are indeed confuse... and we realise that... we are in a dilemma... And it seems that we have a kinda sibling relationship and love bgr thingy going on...
He feels that there's a 80%love, 20% siblings kinda thing... for me.. it's fluctuating throughout the day... and it's more on the sibling relationship side... thought i don't love him, i'm afraid that he'll leave me....
It seems that away from all our friends, i feel and he does too feel like we are siblings... In front of my friends, when i don't throw tantrum, he feels that i'm like his gf...
Today... CK called to ask if he still have clothes with me... and as he was hanging up... he said" u go get busy.. since u have people with u". He mistook the TV for people being in my room... At this instance... i immediately explained myself...
Today... Ken wants to come NTU to have dinner for me.. but i kept rejecting him.. till it becomes that he will buy and deliver dinner to me... I yearn for my own space.. and i want my solitude...
What am i thinking... Who do i love... Ken deserves more... as my earlier blog says.. .he loves me enough for me to do more...
I don't want to lose him.. but yet, in me.. i do realise that.. there's more of liking for him than i have for CK.. but i do have that chemistry for CK, which seems to not be there.. not too much for Ken...
i think it's so sucky... hm...
~AuRo`Na~
Monday, March 27, 2006
today... hot stuffy noon.. so unbearable...
i skipped all my lessons... just to slack.. do some stuffs...
i had been hanging out with Ken so often.. and be on such good terms with ken that's i'm in such a blurred situation...
Told him a week or two ago.. that yes.. i'll be his girlfriend... but NOT YET...
On my right hand, i wear the ring that he gave to me on my birthday...
In it... engraved: K & E
A Tiffany & Co. ring indeed, one simple plain ring that looks nothing fasination... with a small diamond on it.. sparkle with dispersion of light under the sunlight... It gives colours like purple.. blue and red... IT cost, US $500, as seen on the email advertisement.
All these while... i'm so stucked to him.. emotionally and phsically... he's around me all the time... When i'm in NTU, he's here... when i'm t hm.. he's around me too... Meeting me after i teach tuition.. after i teach piano... and wherever i go to...
He make effort to come look for me... i wonder if i'm one living in luxury wihtout the knowledge and feeling that i'm actually in one...
Am i taking him for granted?!
i don't want to say that i'm his girlfriend becauause i feel so free now... that i feel that i finally lead my own life... Ken indeed is one guy who dote on me a lot... giving in to me a lot... and tolerating me a lot... He doeo a lot of things for me... and is of course admirable by many of my gf's for all those things that he did... So am i touched too...
I'll be meeting CK this weekend... he'll be teaching me analog electronics... And Ken isn't too happy about it... I do understand why... but can't really accept it... Since i have yet to agree to be entirely yours... And i want my freedom...
I don't feel for CK as much already... ain't i glad for myself...
Besides the part about feelings and emotions...
I am skeptical about the future with him... Especially about the transition for Ken to be a Graduate and soon be a working personnel...
I'm unsure abouthim goin to work.. about life after that... about the work that he will be working... How successful he will be...
He is indeed a smart man...
And i think i'm beginning to get back to myself.. to not trust my bf so much...
So... i doubt... so i'm unsure.. and so i'm uncertain...
I need to straighten out my thoughts.. and feelings... i don't want to lose then realise that it's too late... I wanna love people better.. i wanna love KEn better.. cos i think he deserve it.. And because he loves me.. if i love him well enough... i will get nothing.. but more LOVE from him...
Because he doesn't treat me bad... he doesn't treat me like the way those people used to do so...
~AuRo`Na~
Thursday, March 23, 2006
The Legendary Club Retro is a Success!!
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Special thanks to the people who attended my 21st birthdya party...
Sorry for not being a good enough host..
sorry for not having enough food..
Sorry for all the sorries.. haha..
yeap.. yeap..
soon will update u people with all the prezzies that i got.. u people are great...
Never know i'm this pampered by people.. until i counted the hongbaos and presents i got.. sill soon upload photos!! yeap yeap...
Let me fininsh all my quizzes and assignments... i'm in need of time!! exam's coming!!
All the best to me... and good luck to myself! muaahha..
~AuRo`Na~
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
i'm counting down to my birthday..
But seriously.. i don't feel too excited about it.. damn!
any way.. not feeling too happy now.. considering... that now that i'm not feeling too well... after taking care of ken for the whole of yest... and today. i seem to be getting sick...
and he doesn't sound at all upset that i'm feeling like how he feel yest.. and yet... throwing back things that will make me upset... yucks! i hate him now!!
come to think of it..
i think i'm destined to take care of people.. hm...
~AuRo`Na~
Thursday, March 02, 2006