AsPire To InSpiRe... BefoRe U eXpire...

last day of school...

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Today.. 28th October...

Last day of school... terrible.. had a quiz today.. all thanks to a friend.. he managed to help me pass with this great knowledge of the text book.. wah.. who the hell will know all about pneumothrorax! haah.. not when he's the one who contacted that sorta illness. haha..

Anyway.. just read ah q's blog... don't really get her...

Ok... recently.. i''m kinda afraid of getting lonely all the time.. roommate's not in my rm.. since last week.. unless my bf keep me companyin my rm.. i'll be all alone by myself...

I hate being alone by myself..

Everyone loves to have the dormitary to himself or herself.. but i beg to differ...

I spend like 5 years of my life in sec n JC going home to an empty place every single day... no one's at home every night till at least 2/3 am... my mum's not hm.. i can understnad.. her kids, me and my brother are so big alreayd.. why is there the ned to take care of us?

Do feel neglected... but it's not easy u know pple... staying in Singapore... husband in China... kids who are around 20... having their own life... How can u not find some entertainment for yourself...

Anyway.. different family.. different values la... what else right?!

Ah... never mind.. next week onwards is my exams already... and i don't like it.. 9 papers in all.. i'm gonna cry soon... dying liao la... jialart...

I will try to study.. and after that can go back to hometown HOUGANG... yeah!!! i hate this place to the core alredy la... sianz...

People.. please pray for me... pray hard for me.. that i will not be lonley... upset.. and i'll do well.. well enough... to get some As and some Bs.... like last semester.. please... please... please....

~AuRo`Na~
Saturday, October 29, 2005

hm... more about me...

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Sometimes i think too much... but i doubt i do take people for granted...
I'm grateful to people who once stepped into my life and had made it a better life...
I'm thankful for the time that people has given to me when i was in bad mood and stuffs like that...
I'm more than glad to say that despite not being on perfect terms with some people.. they still do help me in every single way that i needed help in...

Indeed it may be true that we encounter ups and down in our everyday life... And it is also too true that there are happiness... sadness and too much of other emotions...

I'm a pessemistic person who always tend to think of things in the bad light... and i can't deny that i always end up being upset for nothing...
When in learning.. i care more about the way i learn it.. the process of learning... if i have a thorough learning journey...

But when it comes to life... i'll always be glad that the end results is good... and i'll be more happy than ever....

Ever since primary school... i will always be very afraid before exam as to unsure of what questions will come one.. and be afraid that the questions asked will be too difficult to answer...

Then after exams, i'm often too worried that i won't get the good results.. even though i know it will not be that bad afterall and that i will definitely not fail...

Nowadays in life... whenever bad things crop up i will always think of the bad things first.. so that i can be prepared if anything will to happen....

I'm not afraid of dying... people sees dying as something very scary and something to be prevented... but... i don't think so.... though it's untold off... i do believe that dying is to set myself free of all the misery and troubles...

And it's only when you die that u can see or at least in your deathbed, in t he untold of times that u can realise how many people mourn for u.. how many people grief for your loss and how many people care for u... and are upset over your death...

~AuRo`Na~
Sunday, October 23, 2005

yes or no?!

i'm in terrible bad situation... my bf.. yes.. he does love me... i shouldn't deny that...

yes i am upset... and almost every single day... there are many reasons.. and.. anyway... pple.. this blog is a favor.. to ask u pple to help me... if i wanna break up... will u pple be ard for me?

I still love him.. n i still care... i know i'm unhappy and i want to try... he's insensitive.. but that's just him... can't say he doesn't care... just that he cares more about himself.. and his car... so how?

Break up or not? i need your point of view.. i may or may not heed your advice... and certainly.. i do need time... for everything... so.. people.. please help!!! vote please.. leave me a tag or a msg... i'll be most glad to receive them....

~AuRo`Na~
Sunday, October 23, 2005

taken for granted...

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I'm so taken for granted!!!

~AuRo`Na~
Wednesday, October 19, 2005

no happiness

Sunday, October 16, 2005

I realise that there are almost no happy blog in my blog! even if they are.. it's only... 1/2/3/4% only...

Oppz... sorry.. people... no happiness here!

If you're upset.. you should never even bother to think about MY blog..

Just view my little cousin sister's friendster profile...

Saw how damn happy she is... got a little weary about the photos in there.. anway.. it's nothing much.. just that what ever i see in there.. is hardly anything close to my family culture...

Used to attempt to date my cousins out.. and stuffs like that.. before and even after my grandma passed away... on 6th june 2005.. only a few month ago...

Think i hardly see my cousins anymore.. so sad...

Grew up with them.. they are more important to me than any friends... cos.. they are in my blood.. part of me...

When i saw her photos.. i wanted to tell her to tone herself down and watch her own behaviour....

Well, not that i'm a saint or anything...

It's just a kinda protection towards her...

You know.. just like.. even if u are a bitch.. u wont' want your daughter to be one right!

Ok... back to my topic...

Happiness...

Spice girls sang:

" happiness is just a state of ur mind... Kepp searching who knows what u will find..

Rules are for fools and fools paradise is hard to find...

Play my game or get left... behind!!"

GPC spirits... should be boooo chup... GPC is something that i kicked off.. then with fervent club members like sam, fernie and orange... We all go crazy together...

I am a very bo chup people in some ways... but when it comes to human r/s, what ever kind...

I can't be less bothered to not bother about it at all...

Ok.. what i'm saying is that.. i can't stand having people upset around me...

I have friends who broke up with bf... broke up with gf... no $$, needs tuition for math...

I always help...

Since secondary school...

I've never say NO to anyone who calls me n cry, calls me n complain...

Up to now.. even when i'm in need to study... i need time to sleep... my handphone are always switched on... And if the phone rings in the middle of the night... i answer it without hesitation.. to console.. or just listen....

I was in a rather big piece of shit.. well, people who knows me.. should know that i'm in a very bad state of relationship for 2 years already.... And anyone who has problems.. with bf or gf..... I never shun them away.. and tell them things like.. i wanna sleep... or say that i'm busy...

I have gf whom when on cloud 9 with bf... always come back to turn to me.. for help.. and advice and a listening ear when they are in bad mood...

i have boy friend who quarrel with gf.. calls me to talk.. i never say no... no matter i'm in what bad shape...

But some times... when i think back.... Where are they when i needed someone...

Perhaps, my problem is such a big thing.. that it has become NOTHING! vanishes into air...

Well, perhaps.. perhaps... perhaps...

Once a gf said something to me... about my behaviour.. and i got upset...

Well, she's just a gf.. not bf.. or family...

I got so upset that i skipped school...

I'm such a people-person...

I need people...

People who know me since primary sch and secondary school will all see me as a very independent girl-->women... who wants and will get....

one who's so full of drive, aim and motivation...

I finally realise that i have not changed... or it's not that i've become useless...

But just that... my inner self about being a people-person did not surface when i was younger...

You know.. when u were younger.. nothing matters to you... you were so carefree and lively... full of energy...

Now, i also realise that my fear of loneliness is due to having spend almost the whole of my past 6-7 years coming home to an empty apartment.. with no one at hm... being at hm alone.. every single day... with the TV forever on.. so that i can hear pple talking... pple laughing.. and it sounded more normal....

And it's because of that... i experience a life where i want to be in private space yet i want company... And it's always so contradicting...

This contradiction cause me to want to be with my boyfriend.. yet always yearning to be more indepedent of him... And this cause me a lot of troubles...

There are many instances when i feel unhappy.. and i walk along orchard road.. walking.. and crying...

i once experience the best part of being in a relationship.... with my ex bf, JJ-- he was nice..a nd his family was even nicer to me...

Then with my present bf... first 6 months with him ws heaven... with him n his family...

And subsequently, happy times with him(that's when u don't think of the bad)...

The most recently GPC outing.. and previous GPC outing at Sentosa was marvellous... no bad thoughts...

I saw my GPC pple 2 weeks ago.. and i cried... because it was an outlet of sadness... but also an outlet of relief that girlfriends were around...

Of course there are happiness in life... and i do have many times... when i am happy.. especially when i was happy.. younger.. more independent...

But... i need to fine a way to make myself happy once again...

I find it a torture to think too much.. and a torture to be so bothered about a lot of thigns...

And too sad a fact to admit that.. i can't even be happy for all the time of a day or two... constantly...

I have to lurve myself more.. not him.. he's making me upset.... The things that he does...

The things that he doesn't...

I'm waiting for the day to come whereby i'll stop loving him...

I believe there will be a time.. for that...

otherwise...

TILL DEATH DO US PART...

~AuRo`Na~
Sunday, October 16, 2005

i love u... i lurve u... i lurb u!!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

What is the degree of trusting.. when a man keeps telling u " i love u" on a very special day...

What if he tells u that for more than 20 times in 3/4 hours??

What should you do? what can u do? what can u say?

Can u trust?

Seriously.. frankly... i've lost all my trust and faith in men...

Boohoohoo... so sad... haiz... All men.. everyone one earth... every single one of them...

Haiz * shake head big time!*

~AuRo`Na~
Wednesday, October 12, 2005

GPC meet up

Saturday, October 08, 2005

hm... seems like i'm the last to update my bloggy after that taka craze night...

Sam is really tired... not troubled.. happy... haha.. so xin fu! yeah!

Carrie.. is in love.. and so pretty all the time.. as usual..

Orange.. u so cute.. haha... ur laughter is always so laugh and spontaneous.... I like...

I'm waiting for the next outing... anyway.. got some stuffs.. for u girls... and wanna meet up with u all... see u soon....

I've been such a sianz person.. and just looking at those photos.. we took that day.. argh.. can't help but feel so happy!!!! argh~~~~~!!!!

~AuRo`Na~
Saturday, October 08, 2005

5th october 2005

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Today... is a day of lying... so much lies... so much truth...
He lied of course that he doesn't have a gf...

Sorry dear girl friends.. i lied... i wasn't meeting my friend or anything like that... But i was actually waiting for my bf...

After u girls left... i sat out marriot and cried... i was upset... unhappy about things... Which has all along been an issue in my heart...

He was meeting his friends also for dinner date... with his da-jie, xiao-mei, his bro, best friend, best friend's girlfriend, and his best friend brothers...

Well, of course i was missed out... In order to get back to school... i could either wait for him.. or take a bus or cab myself... But.. as i'd lend money to my friends.. which left me almost enitrely broke and can't pay my fees... i choose to not wait time or $ for travelling... So i waited for him...

I waited outside marriot after you girls left.. and i waited till 10.37...
IT is indeed quite sad.. then people will think.. why would i even bother to wait at all? well... because... not waiting doesn't change the fact that i'm sad...

I've been sad... I thought i'd be just as happy when i'm out with you peopel.. and indeed i have loads of fun... hanging out with you all.... There seems to be no troubles at all when you all are around...

But after you all leave.. i need to face facts again... That it's due to him being " wuo nang" that i can't have a normal relationship... Spoke to cav yesterday night... and he's nice... and i felt better...

Sometimes.. i feel that he's just plain selfish...

The fact that he wants the best of both worlds... his family.. and gf... i think i dont' have to explain further...

Also... i won't give up.. cos it's not me to give things up so easily... and for many factors as well... Perhaps.. the only way.. is for him to let me go... well, it's just that i feel that ..." if u wanna be with me.. u either do something for me... otherwise you let me be free..." Why keep me around..

I told him once... few weeks ago... "Why keep trying to make other people happy... And in the end... You can't even make me... if u should say... ur gf... ur most loved women in the world happy?!" ( or perhaps... he's more concerned about the man he loved most deep inside his heart--HIMSELF...)

~AuRo`Na~
Thursday, October 06, 2005

f*** union!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

So damn hate it... i hate union! i hate his association with union.. can't help but hate it.. argh~~~~~~ it sux being me... unhappy when i dont' have things my way... but who likes not having things their way! anyway... he's still involve in things to do with union! i hate that association! i ahte havging someone so close to me.. haveing such great association with people i hate.. things that i hate.. feel so betrayed!!!

~AuRo`Na~
Tuesday, October 04, 2005

i hate u all

I hate u all.. every one out there. no body's around when i need u...
My bf... dont' know go to where the hell to shit.. i friends are all not replying to me on msn... no one talks to me.. no one here for me! i hate u all.. sux!

~AuRo`Na~
Tuesday, October 04, 2005

trust...

Life sux when u can trust...

I feel that the trust is losing... well.. as i've said earlier... feeling is such am important animal instinct.. and that it's such a powerful thing.. i control all that you do.. and all that u subsequently feel...

Just called him.. and he didn't picked up.. haiz.. then start to think that he's doing something behind my back.. shitty. right.. to have this kinda gf... or is it his fault that he can't make me feel secure enough.. and trusting enough? i wonder....

TRUST.. i used to be about to trust Jen... but nowadays.. i can't seem to trust anyone... nobody... sometimes. i can't even trust my own feeling... don't you think it's so terrible!

Because he doesnt' normally send me back to my room... now that he sent me back so early.. and that he didnt' pick up my phone call.. i get suspiciou... argh~~~ i'm crazy... why can't i just let loose.. and trust!! F***!

~AuRo`Na~
Tuesday, October 04, 2005

happy?!

Why can i say i'm happy like others are...

Every single day.. there are people.. blushing.. and going around.. doing chores and terrible jobs.. but they find joy and happiness in doing thing...

People who don't have as many clothes.. can say they are happy..
People who don't have as many watches as me.. can say they ar happy...
People who don't have a boyfriend can say they are happy....
People who don't have a drivin licence... can say they are happy..
People who aren't as smart as me.. can say they are happy...
People who doesn't even go to University... can say they are happy...
People who are fatter than i am.. can say they are happy..
People who aren't as well off as me.. can say they are happy...
People who don't have as good a home to stay as me.. can say they are happy...
People who ain't as pretty as me can say they are happy..

Please people.. tell me what is missing in my life.. why do i not feel happy at all?
Why do i wake up everyday dreading that i didn't just go away.. an i have to wake up and live my life... live this unhappy state of my life..
Why do i wake up in the morning.. thinking" F***... shit.. another new day.."

Why am i not happy. i keep telling people that .. what they always wish for.. like a car.. a house.. a bf.. a whatever.. is just for the sake of happiness.. that's all that i'm asking for.. i just want to be happy...

I have everything in the world.... people.. friends.. family.. $$... not that bad a brain.. and looks.. what am i short off??

Feel so miserable.. don't know why... y can't i be happy..

All i wish for is to be happy... nothing else.. i'm not a materialistic... or useless person.. or anything like that... please.. i want to be happy!

I want to tell the world that i'm happy.. like 2yrs n 7 month ago.. when i broke up wiht JJ.. i told the whole world.. to be happy for me.. cos i'm happier now...

What's wrong with me! i shuckx.... ah~~~~!!!!!!!!!

~AuRo`Na~
Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Human instinct are always so powerful...

Everyone always feel... feel.. feel..
When we're at home... we FEEL at hm...
When we're in school... we FEEL stressed...
When you pat your doggy, it FEEL loved...
When you are attached to somebody, you FEEL in love...
When a husband is having an affair... the wife FEELS it..
When you are all alone in a room... when your family are away... when there are no friends around you... we all FEEL lonely... sad... afraid... upset...

When we feel something... we often see things in different light..
When we feel upset... you do things in the very down way... talk in the down tone...
Even your sleep can be affected.. you can't sleep well...
For some people... it'll make you appitite lousy... it'll make you slim down...
For others... you gorge you food away.. telling youself that you'll feel fine as long as you eat them away...

For me... i feel... i feel... i FFEL that my bf no longer loves me the way he does.. i FEEL that he's getting sick of me...

I went to his room just now cos he said he had a headache... when he woke up, he gave me a kiss on the forehead...
When we were walking to the car... he hugged me.. and teased...
When we were having dinner... he held my hand and gave me 3 nudge to us.. it's a sign of 'I love You'... cos. there's 3 words in i love u...

This morning.. i FEEL... that he doesn't love me that much anymore...

Perhaps what solomon said about relationship is true... after years have pass by.. it'll be 25% love and the rest will be commitment... hm...

I do feel that he's sometimes doing things just cos he feel commited... that's all...

He has this on his msn nick " Sometimes, what you see and what you feel contradicts"
Everything when he feels about something... i'll always tend to direct the emotions back to myself.... Nevertheless.. this time also lor... I feel that it's something to do with me...

But can't figure out what.. cos it was so nice just now... even when we were walking down the stairs after the part time lecture... he was still looking at me and smile... he even joked with me in the lecture...

What's wrong?

I think i've already done more than enough.. good enough... for him.. as a gf... and many even say i'm more than a girlfriend.. more like a wife to him...

Shun says: C*** B** la.. u B**** B***** spoilt Shee Kay... so badly.. se thte standard for gf so high... wah lao... and B**** H*** Shee Kay set the stupid standard so low.. now.. everything also can liao la... i think i can even make it...

Hm... shucky... urgh.. can somebody tell me if i'm right? i'm wrong? is there anything wrong with me? is what he talking about the feel and see thing about the CAR? or some bloody bitch after her again...

U all want me to ask him? cannot... he told me not to compare me n him together.. so i shan't ask.. cos in his world.. only he can ask.. i can't... so damn bloody F*** up! i hate myself. i hate everyone! i hate this world.. COS THE WORLD IS SO UNFAIR!! IF IT's fair then i'll get all that i want! just like those people who knows what they want.. and do what they wanT!!!!!!

~AuRo`Na~
Tuesday, October 04, 2005