AsPire To InSpiRe... BefoRe U eXpire...

i can cheat anyone... but not myself...

Friday, May 27, 2005

Since tuesday night... he said he needs time... Today... is only thursday... and i've been flopping my past few days... Today is even worse off... i can't bring myself to go to teach... neither can i bring myself to go to NTU... I can't bear the thought that after lesson this afternoon, he won't be fetching me home...

I hate all the waiting feeling... but if i don't want... and i push him for an answer... I'm afraid it'll be just a break up...

I cherish the happy moments i have with him... These two days, i find it really hard to concentrate... When i was driving... yesterday.. When i was giving lessons... It's really kinda hard...

I can't bear to go to school today.. so i called Mrs Suresh to excuse myself...
Told my mum that i didn't go to sch.. and she can don't bother to fetch me to go NTU too...
I think she guessed something... but didn't mention a thing at all...

He said he'll come back to look for me.. he said he's not givning up yet... he says he just need time.. he says he doesn't want to upset me... he say he not don't want me...
I living by all these words... but i can't help feeling upset... and lost...

Shun has been scolding me. whacking me with words.. to want to wake me up...
But different people have different priority...
And when things are not within control... It's kinda hard...

I know life has been hard for my bf... That's why i thought of giving up... but never expect him to confront about this issue before i do...
Situation has not been in our favor... that's why all the big talks about.. not being together by me...
But people who know me well.. will know i'm very much in love with him...
People who know me well will know that i always have things my way.. and i'll fight my way to get the right things...
Now... i don't even have a right to fight...
People who know me well will know that.. if not for him.. i'd have gone striaght to his house and bang on his door...

People keep saying this and that.. about me and him... giving up and all...
But i think u all don't understand.. that no matter how bad the problem is.. between u n ur gf.. or u n ur bf... at least things are within your control...

Now i feel lost... i have no control... and i certainly... can't do anything.. but wait...
I hate waiting.. i really hate waiting!!
Shun should know i hate waiting... waiting for him to call me back...
Fern should know.. i hate waiting...monica should know too.. everyone of you should know...

What more.. if it's such a terrible waiting...
I know there's more to life than just CK...

but i'm waiting... and waiting.. becos i believe that if there's love.. there's hope...
And the simple reasons... why i always ended up giving in... in becos there's love... and that... "HAve him... happiness... No him... NOT happy!"

I told him that if we had wanted to give up.. we'd have done so long ago.. and now is not the time...

As much as i know shun will want me to be happy... i think shun, i'll appreciate it if u are more sympathatic... You are all very fortunate people that.. when things happen between u n ur partner.. it's always just about the two of u... People call me when they have relationship problem... But u people are just not aware of how easy life is when u have control over things... There are no feelings of lost... and hopeless...

It'll be a long wait... and i hope the wait will be worthy...
If he can be responsible to show filial peity to his parents.. why not show some responsibility to my love, to our relationship....

I know... he's not only vexed about this matter... And i simply dont' blame him about things that are happening... Thought parental objection existed long before my presence... biasness existed long before my presence... and parental pressure exists long before.. i was there... But indeed he's in kinda a difficult situation...

I have to know that... when he come look for me again... perhaps... he'll cant a break up....
I can't shout and scream at him.. for making that choice... cos.. choosing parents over me is never a wrong choice... And shun... stop scolding CK... he has been under pressure since... long time ago... and stop scolding me...

I know i have to stand up.. and fight for my right... but i can't... there's more to just my own personal feeling in this world...
I know... if CK let me go.. it's unfair... but... as i've said.. going back to him parents are nothing wrong... I know i have to eat... i have to do things as usual.. i have to be strong...

BUT i can deceive anyone else in this world.. i can't deceive myself...
I'm willing to compromise... with anything that he wants to do... Just as long as i have him.. around.. i know he's around.. i know he's my boyfriend... just as long...

Losing him... is a pain... knowing that... i can't do anything for myself.. and knowing that i can't do anything for him is a pain... He's now upset alone... without me... I want to be with him.. accompanying him through... but he doesn't want me around...

HE hasn't called me.. hasn't talk to me... i don't know how he's doing now...
he told me he'll come back... he told me.. he didn't not want me...
This wait has been a torture... But i won't blame him...

Frankly, i really hope his choice will be to bring me home...
I told him... i still have hopes... hopes that one day his parents will like me once again... they'll be very gd in-laws....
I still have hope. that as long as we have a heart... a love... a hope... nothing is impossible...
There's still a long way to go... and we've yet try anything... with the parents... we should not give up...

Dear... please don't dissapoint me... u have to be stronger than i think u are...
Don't give up... on us.. i've yet to give up... I'm willing to do anything... as long as u are willing too...
Please...

~AuRo`Na~
Friday, May 27, 2005