AsPire To InSpiRe... BefoRe U eXpire...

very 'xin tong'

Monday, May 30, 2005

i feel so heart broken...

Why is it that he hasn't called me yet?
Why has the whole situation become like as though it's my fault...

I'm not in the wrong.. why do i have to go through this cooling off period?!
I'm not in the wrong... Why did he stop calling me?
I'm not in the wrong...

Why?
Why?
Why?

i'm totally lost for words now... i feel so xin ku... so xin tong...
Why am i treated this way...
Where is he when i needed him?!
there never seems to be such as thing as i need him...

Only when he needed me.. then i have to be around...
WHY!!!! i so hate him... and i'm so in love with him...

~AuRo`Na~
Monday, May 30, 2005

28th May morning...

Saturday, May 28, 2005

I met him yesterday... he came over to my place to get bicycle...

He said he need to be alone... and he still needs time.. as he's very confuse...
I can understand why... especially when he has such a parent...

I should hate them... but i dont' know why... i'm not... instead i find them very ridiculous...
In the way they think...

I fall asleep feeling so good last night... able to see him once again.. after 3 long days of wait... My anticipation.. did pay off... I know.. the earliest i could see him would be yesterday night... latest... i don't know when...

I felt good... cos i was to see him once again... cos i know he's really cherishing us... cos i know... he's still in love with me...

I can't blame him for not making a decision... it's hard... something which we will not experience... something that u and i will not come across... we are very fortunate... They are very ridiculous...

He was very zun when he called... i was just walking towards the main entrance of the driving centre... I was so damn glad!! very so damn glad!!

Instead of just taking the bicycle home... we managed to spend some time.. cuddling... i miss him so much... feel so gd... to be in his arms... nothing... is better than that... He still looks the same... And i have to praise myself... for being able to laugh and smile to make him do so too!! i think i'm super!! I know yesterday's meeting is just to take the bicycle... and it doesn't mean it's the end of the cool off period... But at least.. i know... that... i'm in his heart... and my wait is worthy... He is indeed thinking of solutions and ways...

He love me very much.. that's why the solution is hard to make...

He too very much want to be together...

It's very saddening... that when two people love each other so much... yet.. find it hard to be together... it's not hatred... not unlikeness... not miscommunication... but by circumstances...

I thought today will be a good day after seeing him...

I was wrong... i still can't get over the matter.... I know he'll be strong... but how strong?!
He told me to take this as a break... i teared... i said " once u r gone.. u will not come back!"
I was very reassured by his words that " I'm not breaking up with you!"

I love him... very much.. life is now very hard for him... i pray... i really pray that things wil get through... very much.... i pray that his results will be good... Any good follower of any GOD! pray for me... u all are good people.. ur GOD will listen to you...
Please help us...

We will... i will.... have a lot of faith in this relationship.... we believe... i hope everyone believe in us too!!!!!!!!!

I'm looking forward to see him again... soon...

~AuRo`Na~
Saturday, May 28, 2005

when i wake up...

Friday, May 27, 2005

When i wake up... i felt upset... i wasn't woken up by anything last night...
I wasn'e woken up by his phone call last night.. he did not call me...

Again... i begin to doubt... doubt his words..
I'm in a big dilemma... in me.. psart of me tells myself that.. i can trust.. him...
Part of me says that... it won't happen...
U know.. silent break?!

But we both have our hearts... and the morning before everything has happened.... He was still planting kisses on my cheecks... in the morning.. before anything has happened... he was still singing my praises that now i look prettier... The night after we had a chat.. and before he leave me aside to think of his own matter... he still commented that... "how can don't want my moo moo?! she so pretty now..."

I'm feeling so lost... i thought i could let things go... last night... before i went to sleep...
I thought i'll be so much better in the morning.. when i wake up...
I have faith. i have hope....

I guess it's the waiting that is making me feel so uncomfortable...

I woke up... i think of him...
It feels so uncomfortable inside... but i'm not crying...
I don't know why...

It's 6.30am now... i'm prepareing to go for my last day of teaching...
It's so difficult to face a class of students and keep smling to them.. it's so much more difficult than just doing the office work part! can anyone understand...?!?!?!

When will he call me again...

"I rather spend bad times with you... than good times with someone else..."

If anyone of u have heard the song before.. Colin Raye_ Love me... well... it depicts my story... and i hope i have a similiar ending to that song...

Please darling.. u have to hold on... i need you back... i thought i could let go... last night before i sleep...

But i can't... Please get back to me... I'm waiting for ur call... to " bao jia yin"...

I'm still praying... for you to have the strength and clarity in your head...
I'm still hoping... for myself and u... have faith....

~AuRo`Na~
Friday, May 27, 2005

10x

i know shunz hate my nonsense.. but i have to thank him...
Fernie has been around.. giving me instant reply online... thanks to her..
Dominique.. i know she's always very lost for words.. when it comes to my problem... but i know she care.. thanks to her..
Monica!!! thank you.. for listening to me... thank you...
It is wonderful to have you people around...

After being at hm for one whole day... i feel so much better with all those crying and shit...

Jeremy has been reassuring me... and so has darrell... i needed some guy opinion.. so i had to ask them... Alvin.. my very wonderful guy-gf... has lighten up my nigth.. by making me laugh with his craps.. thanks..

I'm very fortunate to have you people as friend...

I'm also very happy to be assured by u all.. and by my own bf's words.. that he "did not don't want me" & that "he not giving up yet"... Plus the assurance from u guys that i can trust him.. and from what i know from him... he can be trusted!!

I love him.. so i should trust him...

Though i'm prepared for the worst... i'm still hoping for th best.. i have hopes.. i hope he does too!!!

Pray hard for me can? pray hard for him can? Please... i hope he has the strength to carry on... to have more than what i expect him to have... only that way can we overcome every obstacle...

I believe that if we can overcome this obstacle... we will be able to overcome everything in the future!! i'm positive about that.. i'm much happier now.. cos i have hope!!! thanks.. people.. thanks..... i love HIM!!! i love u all!!!

~AuRo`Na~
Friday, May 27, 2005

my heart breaks...

The thought that he's so stressed up by his parents now.. hurts me... so...
The thought that he's so hard up for good grades now.. hurts me so...

I need him to have the good grades.. all my friends... pray for me.. pray for him..
he needs the grades.. i need him...
Many of u will never understand how things are going on between us.. because u all have never experience the kind of extreme unbiasness in the family...
you all have never experience the kind of extreme parental objections....

Please... everyone.. i'm willing to give anything.. absolutely.. anything.. in exchange for him... i need him back... i don't mind living years short... i don't mind... not able to achieve success in career in the future... i don't mind giving all my luck to him.. as long as he's doing well.. he's doing happy...

I need him... please my dear... don't give up.. i need u to be strong... that' my prayer to you.. that's my prayer for u.... we have a long way to go.. as long as we can overcome this... we'll see the path to happiness... we will... i believe.. and i hope u believe too... please!!!! please!!! please!! i beg u... don't give up... i'm not giving up!! please!!! please!! please!!!

~AuRo`Na~
Friday, May 27, 2005

i hope absence makes the heart grow fonder..........

~AuRo`Na~
Friday, May 27, 2005

i can cheat anyone... but not myself...

Since tuesday night... he said he needs time... Today... is only thursday... and i've been flopping my past few days... Today is even worse off... i can't bring myself to go to teach... neither can i bring myself to go to NTU... I can't bear the thought that after lesson this afternoon, he won't be fetching me home...

I hate all the waiting feeling... but if i don't want... and i push him for an answer... I'm afraid it'll be just a break up...

I cherish the happy moments i have with him... These two days, i find it really hard to concentrate... When i was driving... yesterday.. When i was giving lessons... It's really kinda hard...

I can't bear to go to school today.. so i called Mrs Suresh to excuse myself...
Told my mum that i didn't go to sch.. and she can don't bother to fetch me to go NTU too...
I think she guessed something... but didn't mention a thing at all...

He said he'll come back to look for me.. he said he's not givning up yet... he says he just need time.. he says he doesn't want to upset me... he say he not don't want me...
I living by all these words... but i can't help feeling upset... and lost...

Shun has been scolding me. whacking me with words.. to want to wake me up...
But different people have different priority...
And when things are not within control... It's kinda hard...

I know life has been hard for my bf... That's why i thought of giving up... but never expect him to confront about this issue before i do...
Situation has not been in our favor... that's why all the big talks about.. not being together by me...
But people who know me well.. will know i'm very much in love with him...
People who know me well will know that i always have things my way.. and i'll fight my way to get the right things...
Now... i don't even have a right to fight...
People who know me well will know that.. if not for him.. i'd have gone striaght to his house and bang on his door...

People keep saying this and that.. about me and him... giving up and all...
But i think u all don't understand.. that no matter how bad the problem is.. between u n ur gf.. or u n ur bf... at least things are within your control...

Now i feel lost... i have no control... and i certainly... can't do anything.. but wait...
I hate waiting.. i really hate waiting!!
Shun should know i hate waiting... waiting for him to call me back...
Fern should know.. i hate waiting...monica should know too.. everyone of you should know...

What more.. if it's such a terrible waiting...
I know there's more to life than just CK...

but i'm waiting... and waiting.. becos i believe that if there's love.. there's hope...
And the simple reasons... why i always ended up giving in... in becos there's love... and that... "HAve him... happiness... No him... NOT happy!"

I told him that if we had wanted to give up.. we'd have done so long ago.. and now is not the time...

As much as i know shun will want me to be happy... i think shun, i'll appreciate it if u are more sympathatic... You are all very fortunate people that.. when things happen between u n ur partner.. it's always just about the two of u... People call me when they have relationship problem... But u people are just not aware of how easy life is when u have control over things... There are no feelings of lost... and hopeless...

It'll be a long wait... and i hope the wait will be worthy...
If he can be responsible to show filial peity to his parents.. why not show some responsibility to my love, to our relationship....

I know... he's not only vexed about this matter... And i simply dont' blame him about things that are happening... Thought parental objection existed long before my presence... biasness existed long before my presence... and parental pressure exists long before.. i was there... But indeed he's in kinda a difficult situation...

I have to know that... when he come look for me again... perhaps... he'll cant a break up....
I can't shout and scream at him.. for making that choice... cos.. choosing parents over me is never a wrong choice... And shun... stop scolding CK... he has been under pressure since... long time ago... and stop scolding me...

I know i have to stand up.. and fight for my right... but i can't... there's more to just my own personal feeling in this world...
I know... if CK let me go.. it's unfair... but... as i've said.. going back to him parents are nothing wrong... I know i have to eat... i have to do things as usual.. i have to be strong...

BUT i can deceive anyone else in this world.. i can't deceive myself...
I'm willing to compromise... with anything that he wants to do... Just as long as i have him.. around.. i know he's around.. i know he's my boyfriend... just as long...

Losing him... is a pain... knowing that... i can't do anything for myself.. and knowing that i can't do anything for him is a pain... He's now upset alone... without me... I want to be with him.. accompanying him through... but he doesn't want me around...

HE hasn't called me.. hasn't talk to me... i don't know how he's doing now...
he told me he'll come back... he told me.. he didn't not want me...
This wait has been a torture... But i won't blame him...

Frankly, i really hope his choice will be to bring me home...
I told him... i still have hopes... hopes that one day his parents will like me once again... they'll be very gd in-laws....
I still have hope. that as long as we have a heart... a love... a hope... nothing is impossible...
There's still a long way to go... and we've yet try anything... with the parents... we should not give up...

Dear... please don't dissapoint me... u have to be stronger than i think u are...
Don't give up... on us.. i've yet to give up... I'm willing to do anything... as long as u are willing too...
Please...

~AuRo`Na~
Friday, May 27, 2005

10x everyone...

Thursday, May 26, 2005

~AuRo`Na~
Thursday, May 26, 2005

don't give up... please...

He's been very stressed up.. by his work.. and his family...

Everytime there's something going wrong between the two of us.. i will blog.. vent out all my frustrations and anger and sadness....

This time round... the matters inded involved the two of us... but matters are out of our control....

He'll be getting his results on 31st may...

From now till that day... i won't be able to see him.. i think needless to say even talk to him...
i'm terribly upset now... very very upset...

I can't eat.. i can't sleep... life feels so teribble...

Project is stressing him up.. Parents are stressing him up on his results...
And if he doesn't do well this semester... they'll stress him up further... about relationship with me..
Why do they not like me?! i tihnk he knows the reason... But he refuses to tell me..

He told me not to cry last night... but i can't help it...

I know.. i will not die.. if he doesn't want me at all... but... i have a choice.. i want to live my life that way... i want him around...

i am willing to make sacrifice... i hope he's willing too.....

He say he's not intending to give up... he says he's not giving up...
HE says he's not NOT wanting me...

I'm still hoping for the best... i really want him back...

PLEASE DON't GIVE UP... PLEASE... We've yet to try anything... we've yet to give all our best.. there are all restrictions and everything like that... But we've not done anything yet... we have not tried... i'm not satisfied... 'wo bu gan xin'!!! It's not the end... i don't want to give up!!!!

PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP!!!!

~AuRo`Na~
Thursday, May 26, 2005

there's already happiness at hm...

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Everytime when he concentrates in being with his family.. puts all his effort into being with them and enjoy quality time with them... I believe he's truly happy.... I believe he has happiness... at hm...

I feel like i'm a hindrance to him... in his life...
I feel like giving up... let go of everything...
I'm tired of waiting for phone calls...
i'm tired of hanging out.. in discreet...
I'm tired of covering up.. in front of my parents...

I feel that he already has all that he needs at hm... He doesn't need me...
When he's out with his friends... i feel that he's happy...
When he's out with his family... i feel that he's happy...
When he's leading a life of freedom.. and has no worries about me being happy or unhappy...
i feel he's happy...

I believe he can be much happier than he is now...
I love him.. but i can't let him go...
I hate him as much... but... i don't want to live without him...

I think it's selfish for me to let go.. if without asking him for his opinion...

I was thinking.. if this relationship were to be kept secret for a long time... what if we were to get married!? Should his parents not know yet by then?!

The how?! he'll live a life of two identity!? one married when he's with me... then a life.. that's not married... and continue to stay with his parents?! shucks! what the hell... i hate this...

~AuRo`Na~
Tuesday, May 24, 2005

emotional beings...

Friday, May 20, 2005

Ever since we were born... we were taught to feel... see... listen.. ah.. and whatever la...

We are emotional beings... experiencing emotions such as ,happiness, sadness

Must admit that we all are more often than not subjective and affected by our emotions... when we handle different matters... We often tend to show emotions that are within us to a person who is of no involvement to the matter... WTF am i writing!!

I just know.. i don't have to suffer through all these craps!!! i hate!!!! i hate him!!!

~AuRo`Na~
Friday, May 20, 2005

what is it?!

Saturday, May 14, 2005

I feel upset about small little things... i feel insecure... I think there's no need to... but in fact i think i am.. can't deny that i still do.. feel upset and insecure about something that happened last july... till now.. i can't help but think that... he's still doing something behind my back...

Yes indeed, maybe he's doing it to make me feel happy, make me feel gd... But when tihngs are in such a way that.. i know that he's doing something.. yet, i don't know what... but i do know what he's doing something that i don't like... argh... u get what i mean?! i hate it when my world revolves all around him... i hate it when all my emotions are so dependent on him!! and i hate him!!! argh...

I hate his non chalant ness...
i hate his nonsense....
i hate his male chuvanist! i hate a lot more about him!! why then am i still so attached to him!!! i need to break free~~~!!!

i can't feel secure...
Should i blame myself?! or is he to be blamed?! for his inept to secure me?!

MY grandma's very ill now... maybe going away anytime soon... *sobsob*
Memories of we spending time together keep coming back to me...
But nothing we can do about how bad the situation is...
I'm already starting to miss her... miss her...

~AuRo`Na~
Saturday, May 14, 2005

when exam's over...

Saturday, May 07, 2005

When exams over.. and we enter a new phase of life...

exams is over... and i'm in another point of life.. where i got to get some things done.. earn some money...

Now is the time to start thinking about things that has been happening... The consequences.. and blah blah blah...

I think it's time to start thinking what to do with my own life...
Am i living my life the way i want it to?!

who am i?
I'm a woman/girl/female/someone's daughter, somebody's gf...
Which role should i consider the most important, one in which i have the highest priority...
Which role do i have the most obligation to fufil...

If i've been living like30/40 years back.. the answer has to be..."Someone's daughter..."
Too bad... the world has evolved... changed...
The role i should take higher importance is myself...
All thanks to the very westernised society we live in.. and that people are becoming more and more individualistic...

I've been living taking up the role of someone's daughter all my 20 years... and someone's girlfriend for the past 26months?!
Heh, u bet... i'm definitely not at all satified with all that i got back from being someone's girlfriend... I don't feel appreciated...

Went to pat's place, her mum gave me fortune telling... And i would have to say... morale of story is always to live ur life the right way... tha's all... live it the way you thinkis right.. and well.. don't just think hla.. it should have to be right also...

I feel very down now... i seriously feel very unappreciated... un loved...

Perhaps.. when u read the bloggy.. you'll know.. nothing troubles me as much as all these crap... and nothing bother me as much as all these crap... and in my life.. most of the things have ben gd... except for all these crap...

I should rethink.. rethink.. and rethink.. or perhaps.. it's a divine intervention.. that whenever bad things happen.. and i'm at my verge of bursting... Things always turns out well...

But darling.. people... i hate to feel upset.. i hate to feel frustrated... i hate to feel bad... i really hate it...

~AuRo`Na~
Saturday, May 07, 2005