AsPire To InSpiRe... BefoRe U eXpire...

I want to be who i am!!!

Friday, February 18, 2005

Ever since i'm with this bf of mine... things have been made to seem that nothing is more important than him... IS THIS TRUE?!

This is the senario that occurs to me.. which effect and consequences seems to be haunting me... like some... balck magic spirits and stuffs.... I can't help but to put him in my first priority, forgoing everything that i am suppose to do... Family, friends, studies... everything... and i hate myself for that...

I skipped lessons just to spend time, loitering around him... i do this and do that.. just for him... my actions ahve been constructed in such a way that.. it'll make him happy, satisfy him, for him, be around him and him him him him him!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh i hate myself!!!!!!!!

what is wrong with me?! where is that true me?! the me who seems dominating on the outsside and IS dominating on the inside!! Is this fate that i'm meant to tone down cos i'[ve met my opponent!!!!

I know he's taking me for granted and he's to self centered to be with anyone... he cares only about himself.... but why am i still so willing to give... i once told myself that i am willing to give because i love him.. and i'm very willing to do things for him although i may not like too... maybe it's becos i dote on him too much to see him suffers... Why am i doing more than i ahve to.. wash clothes in hall!!! be humble to his words and everything!!??!!? why?! why?! why?!?! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh.... i hate myself...

Is he really that important?! can i call that true love?! or perhaps it's just the need of wanting to be possessed.. and reciprocating it by possessing him... by wanting ho possess him... People sing praises about him.. and i doubt not that he'll be not that a bad family man... *am i thinking too far?!

My dad's going away again.. adn i'm doing my usual round of crying just as i always will do when he fly to China for work again... and he msgd me :"'Take care of yourself, school is not everything. You are! If you learn to rest, then you will not suffer like a workaholic like me!"I understand what he means.. but i know i've not worked hard enough... never....I feel that my life has been ruined just cos i placed too much emotions on this man! Why am i so idiotic!!! such stupid!!!!! The small bottle my dad gave me... i lost it... only in 2 weeks, i lost it... The lost of it... i feel that i've lost "happiness for life" just like that inscribed on the rice embeeded inside.. the cork of the bottle is still with me.. that leaves me feeling even worse... my happiness is spilled all over the place...my father's wish for my happiness is gone... FOREVER...

Grandma is sick... and time's running out for her.. Uncle richard is coming home soon from USA... my dad told me to make it a point to spend some time with him... I want to... but i don't know if i can place my bf apart.. away... and spend with at home.. with my family...

Why do i stuck to a guy who like to make fun of me... and disturbs me, make me feel unhappy, unease.. insecure and unappreciate... Thought i know he loves me... Ah......... I want to be with him... and i don't mind doing things for him.. but i don't feel appreciated... cos i'm scolded at all the time....

Somebody pleassse help me!! i WANT MY OWN LIFE.... BUT I"M VERY VERY LOST.....

~AuRo`Na~
Friday, February 18, 2005