AsPire To InSpiRe... BefoRe U eXpire...

I'm back...

Sunday, January 30, 2005

After being away from my bf for a week.... Not say.. Physically... Or whatever...

I found that someone was interested in me last Friday night... And on Sunday went to my GPC member's birthday bash... With a friend of mine...

Me and my GPC members...

And on Monday. I started to treat my bf in a very bo chup manner.... not bothering about what he do... where he goes... and even things around him which i normally do care about.... hm... then on monday.. he said "u don't dote on me anymore"...

On tuesday... i met him only for a while.. and he kept saying "i think u got problem.. No no.. i think we got problem.... We have to talk" which i keep refusing to say anything.. and let things seems as though there's no problem at all...

On Wednesday... i didn't pick up his phone call.. and he got pissed.. i told him.. He shouldn't be pissed and should talk to me nicely...(via SMS) n he said... "i called you and u SMS me!"... 10 minutes later.... After that msg.. i didn't reply... and he msged me again.. "OOOIIIIII!!!!!!".. ahah. i wanted to laugh the minute i see that...

On Thursday... We had a little fight... Cog of some small matters... Anyway.. It's like.. When u don't' feel like caring for that particular person.. Anything that person.. Say or do.. Pisses you off.. A GREAT DEAL... hahah...

On Friday... i went to his lecture hall.. and saw some girl's bag beside.. i know I'm overreacting.. But can't stand the thought.. (if it's that particular one!)... Then i decided not to care.....

I sent him a msg that even:" wee 4's quota of kisses, hugges, sweet talks and smses has not been fufilled... u r reminded to do something about it.. Otherwise.. Unable to grade you for this semester... Do not copy anything from msn or anything not of ur originality.... if not u i'll be dealt with by DM Elena Lim as this is academic cheating-plagiarism...Please redeem yourself... Deadline : 280105 time:2000..."

His reply..." So if i don't do well.. i have to TA pao isit?"

My reply..." if u cheat.. You'll be dealt with... if u don't do well.. u have to TA pao... if u do well.. May consider advancement to higher level"

On the same evening.. At ard 7.15... i msged him again.. "Dear participant of 'love XXX' course... u are reminded that.. u have only 55 minutes to redeem yourself..."

His reply.. " i'm already driving hm... At AMK..."

Hm.. can u imagine how upset i am.. all i wanted was some good sms... and he didn't reply... i noe.. that he must have thought that i wanted him to look for me.. and can't be bothered with my demands... feel so maligned.. i was on my way hm lor.. just trying to create humour....

hai.. call him in the evening.. switched off his phone liao.. So sad..

Saturday... Finally something gd.. he came over to my place.. made him dessert.. today.. we had the longest chat on the phone.. for the whole entire week.. haha.. try.. adding up the whole week's conversation.. not even as much as the 1 hour talk we had in the morning... it has been so long...

Hm.. i think this week will be better...

In fact... why am i so bad to him? cos i feel that.. i'm not that bad afterall.. someone's interested in me.. someone out there wants me... maybe i shouldn't do too much for him... maybe that's the way life should be... i shouldn't bother too much about him...

But... u noe la.. sometimes.. that's not the way.. cos.. it's LURVE.. that really counts lor... hor?!?!
I can tell everyone.. anything.. and everything... but ithink the hardest hurdle to overcome?! ME-I-MYSELF... i bet that applies to everyone.. u out there... and why i'm back.... haha.. I"M BACK AS HIS GOOD GIRL....

Then again.. i stil can't tahan his 'play-ard-o get' attitude... and very 'ti-ki'..
can't stand it.. it's irritating me to the CORE!!!!

~AuRo`Na~
Sunday, January 30, 2005

not now...

Thursday, January 27, 2005

I wanna record this entry.. though i don't feel good about that...

He's currently online now... n he didn't even initiate a chat conversation with me... So many people online today... but i don't seem to be talking to anyone at all.. in particular....

These few days i've treated him very badly... or rather.. very coldly... not talking to him in the warm manner i used to... don't smile when i see him...

I feel that i'm very useless in controlling my own emotions... feelings... and thoughts... I know i care a lot about him... but i tell myself that i don't... i know i'll never stop thinking of him... but i tell myself.. and tell people that i don't think of him...

It hurts me so much to see him in his cute sad face say " u don't dote on me anymore..." Today had dinner with him... don't know why we're so comfortable with sitting across the table with WK n Pei in between... When we were studying... we were sitted across the table too... it's normally not the case...

Have been trying to divert my attention to other things in life... music... friends.. work... but i know i'm not happy... maybe i should wait and see.. and try to adapt... Otherwise i'll succumb to him again... i can't do this...

My expectations are too high... and he can't meet my expectations...

I feel so hurt that i'm not 'into' him.... i want to.. but i think he deserve less than that for now... haiz....

~AuRo`Na~
Thursday, January 27, 2005

changes..

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Changes are indeed inevitable in life... but i hate them... haiz... just get to know that my bf won't be at my place on NY's eve from reunion lunch... so sad... how to bear not having him around that day?! hm....

~AuRo`Na~
Sunday, January 23, 2005

Happy 23rd Birthday..

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Today's his birthday... i didn't get to se him.. nore celebrate with him... last wednesday.. 19th January, i planned some surprise with him.. together with his buddies in school... he was indeed surprised. and dumbstrucked...

Perhaps... i spoilt things that night.. which later was resolved on thursday... when i went to his room... Things hasn't been so well.. since then.. or at least.. not for today... Feel... sad.. then again.. feel that life's not that bad after all.. since there's someone sortof... after me.. but i'm nuaing the whole day.. never study... spent 17 hours sleeping.. i'm a dead piece of meat!!

AH!!!!!!

~AuRo`Na~
Saturday, January 22, 2005

horoscope.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

My horoscope.. something from what Tiger beer's page...
http://www.tigerbeer.us/horoscope/ this is the website to go to...

Year of birth: 1985
Eastern sign: Ox
Western sign: Pisces

You have a hard time seeing the trees for the forest. You're not concerned with what a particular individual did on a certain day; you're interested in what their actions say about humanity as a whole. (Very true... once an action... affects me a lifetime...)Your observations have a great deal of wisdom because they are grounded in the belief that all people are essentially the same. (Yes indeed.. cos for whatever situation we're in.. we're entitled to human rights...) Finding links among different cultures has a special appeal for you. (It's interesting if u try living in a culture for weeks or months) You'd make a wonderful art historian, linguist, or travel writer. There's a good chance you will make a dramatic career change at some point in your life. (I hope i can be in drama... haha.. rather be a drama queen!) As you get older, working for a humanitarian organization may appeal to you, prompting you to switch jobs quite suddenly. You may even decide to program computers, especially if your work involves helping disadvantaged people. Prepare to undergo a radical but fulfilling career change in your later years. ( Not as a housewife of many children.. i hope.. if that's part of being in a fufilling career!?)
Your greatest challenge is to listen to your heart, even when it tells you to defy the status quo. A special person like you can't expect to live a conventional lifestyle. Your biggest strength is your ability to find common ground with everybody you meet. (Give and take.. i think is the best... moderato!?)
You're a very spiritual person and enjoy spending time alone. Solitary vacations can be very rewarding. (Really.. i perefer it with someone i love.. or enjoy company with...) At the very least, you need to be by yourself at least one weekend each year. This will give you the opportunity to reflect on your progress, assess your needs, and formulate new goals. It's better to do this without the input of friends and family as these well-intentioned folks can sometimes prompt you to make decisions that are not in your best interests.

Your dreamy idealism attracts practical people who want to add a splash of color to their lives. Taureans, Virgos, Capricorns, and Aquarians (My bf... n tok...)appreciate your whimsical ways and make good friends for you. In love, you need a partner who will allow you a strong measure of freedom. (But i'm very possessive... hm... so?!)

This is my bf...

You are determined to do what you believe is right-regardless of the consequences. As a result, you may become known as a bit of a nonconformist or rebel, but you may well only display these qualities when you're pushed to the end of your patience by what you view as unfairness, prejudice, or discrimination. Until you actually reach that point, you'll do everything that you can to keep the peace but once your indignation has been roused, you'll likely be unstoppable as an advocate. Needless to say, you're a devoted friend and partner.
The intellectual fire you'll likely become known for is strongly described by the astrological factors you inherited, as well. Seven planets in the heavens above you occupied fire and air signs, known to be "masculine," or "assertive" in nature. These energies beautifully outline both your passion and your substantial cerebral abilities as well as your innately straightforward and outspoken personality.
This strong propensity to stand your ground and fight for your ideals shows the depth of your integrity and your high moral standards. In short, although you'll undoubtedly live life by your own rules, your respect for the right of others to do the same will win you the admiration and support of many. When it comes time to choose a partner, you'll need to find someone as independent and emotionally determined as yourself. Sagittarians, other Aquarians, and Scorpios would probably make good choices.
Your challenge is to detach yourself from no-win situations, no matter how deeply and emotionally involved you are. Your gifts are your passion and commitment.

~AuRo`Na~
Wednesday, January 19, 2005

What are boyfriends for?

Monday, January 17, 2005

My cousins sis ask me... if men are so bad... why do i still want them...

-If ur bf is handsome...
He'll come in handy as a good decorative item...

-If ur bf is smart...
He'll come in handy when some smart bitches... are around.. he can help nudge you and give you answers when in difficulty...

-If ur bf is strong...
He'll come in handy as a shopping trolley...
Also...
He's a gd safety belt wherever you go... he can hold on to you firmly on the bus when the captian

-If ur bf is someone whom u can bully...
He allows u to show ur feminist side...

-If ur bf is fat...
He makes u look slim...

-If ur bf is someone famous...
He makes u famous too...

-If ur bf is understanding...
He allow u to be a 'da xiao jie' the way u want to be... and the way no one can be...

-If ur bf is rich...
He makes material life a breeze for you...

---IF ur bf is everything above.... haha.. he makes u LOOK GOOD la!!!!

~AuRo`Na~
Monday, January 17, 2005

i have a question..

Sunday, January 16, 2005

If one day u were to die... who do you think will attend ur wake? how many people will mourn for you? who will feel upset to the lost of you...

~AuRo`Na~
Sunday, January 16, 2005

Moo Chi and Moo Cha...

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Please allor to introduce.... Moo Chi and Moo Cha... My pet cows in school...

the one who's beige colour and with brown feet and brown patches is Moo Cha...
The other with eye lash and little pink blushing patches on the cheek...
the blue pillow is from 'complete' solution for contact lens... The colourful thingy at the back is a Fury Happy looking snake from IKEA... Courtesy of my bitch!

The two cows look so sad.. bit they are so cute...
They are on my hall's bed... and behind is my table... Was so damn bored... so tried to take photos of my moo mooz.. till my new roomie keep staring at me.... hm...

So here we are again.. Moo Chi and Moo cha.... yeah... Cute huh?!

~AuRo`Na~
Saturday, January 15, 2005

Determindation... Will power....

Friday, January 14, 2005

I should be bathing now!?!?
cos i'm damn stinky after a long tiring day...

Last night i slept only around 5 hours.... woke up at 7.30 for my 8.30 lab lesson...
At 11.30 had my first meal... in a very super crowded canteen...
12.30 was lesson in the big lecture theatre... Hm... interesting lecture today... someone's phone had mp3... the phone was passed to a friend who's not familiar with the phone.. and when the music was on.. it was damn bloody loud... and it played:" f*** u... ch** Bye" in a repeating mode and in chipmonk tone.. haah.. the whole lecture hall started to laugh when the guy didn't manage to switch it off cause he was not familiar wiht the key pad... the tone rang and rang till the lecturer even stopped lesson and stared into my direction.. cos the guy was just sitting right behind me... haha... it was so funny that when i re-enact to my friends... they were laughing like hell.. haha...
okok...
I had my first computing lab today at 1.30 till around 3.30... hm... and another hour brake.. before my marketing GE... today we formed our groups... ended up in a group of 7.. with another girls.. and all others being guy... haha.. they seems to be quite fun people though... yeap.. will be meeting up with them next wednesday to discuss our presentation.... Anyway, after that.. i met up with CK, desmond, pei, wk, anthony n kaisoon.. they were studying.. and after i reached.. haha.. we left the place..
Well... here comes the remarkable part.. i think i'm amazing.. though i was very tired... i manage to complete the whole of NTU... haha.. the 2 guys were running behind me.. but i don't think that suggests anything.. rather.. what really interest me and make me feel good is my determination.. i'm suppose to be super tired... BUT... mind over body!
i'm glad i finish the fun... in me... i thought: " MIND OVER BODY... It's not about being faster than them.. but the ability to psycho myself to run non stop..." though i wasn't very fast.. i maintained my own pace... and keep it the same throughtout... yippee!!! 3 cheers for myself?!?!!

Will be going for the indonesia vs Singapore match at Kallang this sunday.. hmhm.....

~AuRo`Na~
Friday, January 14, 2005

Long-term relationship...

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Long-term relationships...

When we look at our parents...
Don't we often wonder
-Why do they always quarrel?
-Why so they not quarrel?
-How sure are they that they still love each other as much?
-Does their love actually grow as years passes by?

Then u often wonder...
-When will i find my true love?
-Will i marry?
-Will my wife be as gd a wife as my mum is?
-Will my husband be as gd a father as my dad is?

As much as people are made to be independent and selfish... There's often a part in us that whenever there are happiness or sadness... love.. joy... we often want to share... When we are upset, men especially never want another party to see him cry... Women... never want to be left alone... or at least... she need a pillow...

There are many occurance in life when we think, we feel that we have found our true love...
Many a times we come into contact with people whom we think we have chemistry with that particular someone... and we think we have fallen in love... The feeling sometimes goes as quickly as it comes, before we know it... we've already fallen in love with yet another individual...

Long term relationship are hard to maintain... in this, we always consider the 3 individuals.. 'me', 'u', and 'we'... Many times there are conflicts due to inconsistent view... Quarrels may last for days... cold wars may last for weeks... but there's just this something that will overcome everything... "TRUE LOVE"... Believe that when there's a will there's a way... When there's love... there's happiness.. and as i always say... *A Blithe Heart Makes a Blooming Visage"... That's when you are truly happy that true beauty shows from within... something that u can never hide...

~AuRo`Na~
Thursday, January 13, 2005

Life? Will?

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

If life were to come to an end... what would you be thinking?
-The people whom you love dearly?
-The people whom in a way or another destroyed, desrupted your life?

When the time comes for you to leave this place... can you bear to do so?

People who are believer of God often at free-will just part to be by the side of God....
But many who have possessions most of the time are very unwilling to let things go... to them... it seems as though losing those material stuffs is as bad as losing their life... and many times they rather lost their life than their possessions...

If i were to lose my life... i can't bear to... cos i can't bear to give up my emotions... my love...

~AuRo`Na~
Wednesday, January 12, 2005

lost...

Monday, January 10, 2005

I'm feelins lost.. have a great weekend with my bf.. though there was a little misunderstanding... There were clarifications... and there were misunderstandings again... It was somewhat soothing to know about some matters.. yet quite annoying to know about others too... sometimes... some words are rather hurting... though they don't mean a thing... sometimes... people are tired... and when they are tired... try not to disturb them... i don't know what to say... i have been having nightmares these days... no gd sleep... NTU perhaps.. is really a bad place for me.. nothing has really been that great since my first entrance... I don't know what to say about things now... feel like i have no capability to express my thoughts... so sad.... ah!!!!!

~AuRo`Na~
Monday, January 10, 2005

i feel so down...

Friday, January 07, 2005

Recently, i've been overwhelmed by the amount of assuraance he gives... Feels so gd when he bother to hold my hands to walk around the school compound...

I remember on the very first day of being together... i told him... all i need is aussurance... I have to reannounce that it is very true indeed and i stand by my word again... ASSURANCE!!! is all i need... It sometimes doesn't matter what one person does to the other...

anyway.. i'm feeling very down now.. i don't think i know what i'm saying.. and what i'm typing.. i dont' even know what to think now.. ah.. life sux!!!

~AuRo`Na~
Friday, January 07, 2005

1st day of school

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Yesterday was the first day of school....

Let's start from the very late part of yesterday.. met at 11.45 at lounge to celebrate Shirley's birthday... she's a friend from hall.. and was in the same orientation group as me... Apollo...

Before i went out of my room... got news letter publication from my blk rep-Daphne, she also from Apollo... haha... well, inside got my photo... from the Dnd... ah.. nothing much also.. that was just a moment of happiness from that day...

Before that.. i was chatting with my bf on the phone.. i think altogether chatted for almost 2 hours..... what the hell... anyway... was quite happy with the chatting... But sincerely feel something is missing...

In the day i went for my lecture... then lunch with Alecia, Jingshun-forever eating lots of Mac, Henry, shit... another Catholican!! what the hell... why are there so many catholicans around me!!?!? well, then he's a nice guy, he actually knows who's weikwan!! hm... LIVE FRIENDSTER! sucky!

then went to gym for a jog then do stepping... supposedly exerted enough to burn 240 Cal... don't know that's equivalent to how much food? anyone know? tell me please?!!

Dinner was at hall 2 Canteen... and plus... bought stuffs at supermart... things like eggs, banana, bread, milk... Commented that should not eat too much if not sure die la.. fat till die!! the the cashier auntie overhear conversations... and remarked:" neng che shi fu, look at those peopel in the tsunami incident" hai... poor thing it is...

Yesterday in the evening there was this news about this sch in particular did a minute of mournin for the peopel who died in the tsunami incident... Please give careful consideration... * is it the sch who wanted to do mourning so ask the news reporter over? or * is it the news reporter go there kpo and resulted the primary sch to come up with the idea of mourning? Would there be such coincidence?! haiz... so much RARA!!!!

What else did i do... oh well, i went library... and i've actually did the online overloading and actually not i have 22AUs!! what the hell... Marketing as my general elective, and comparative society as my prescribed elective.. so this semester! i hope i'll be so busy that i have absolutely no time to breathe! hence no time to be bothered about other thigns in life.. especially things involving relationship... they are too time comsuming and they are certainly too brain ctaxing... Then again, i hope that's if my mind is strong enough... that i can withstand all these.. i've already too into consideration... that i will be left with 2 situations 1. either i'll be so successful in studying my own stuffs and be so damn bloody busy... i'll have no problem with relationships and that i'll be able to do well for my studies.. that's what will happen if i can concentrate well... then again senario 2. i'll flop everything... cos a woman is afterall a woman.. it's like in the genes.. and in her blood that she can give up everything for the man she loves... for the children she bears?! ain't i right?!!? Anyway.... i hope the former will happen...

Well, well, i'll be an all rounder student this semester... with stuffs from engineering... business and humanities... haha...

Frankly, i'm very troubled... every night and morning when it's quiet... i can help.. but hte past painful memories from 2004 keep haunting me... making me feel very afraid... very inconfident... and very fragile... i feel that i'm too weak to emotions... and ii don't belong here... cos i can't cope... well... i hope i can get over it so quickly... i need it...

Anyway.. i still owe a few entries... those from my KL trip... Then again.. not about owing you.. but more about wanting everything to be in here.. so that someday i can print them out and keep as a diary.....

Today is tuesday... 11.10am, going for lessons in an hour's time... wish me luck... i need a lot of luck and best wishes!!

~AuRo`Na~
Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Not his EGO not his PRIDE!

Monday, January 03, 2005

It is amazing how a man's ego and pride are joined to his heart and soul...

I've hurted him... like it or not... in many ways... but it mainly hurts and break himself and myself up... because i've hurt his ego and pride... and hence... his heart and soul... The words i've said and the tone i've used, scalded, scratched, torn and pulled him slashed his heart!

Sometimes things are just not what they seem on the surface... It sometimes matters not who started the fight and who's the cause... What matters most is who has gotten hurt... for the emotion hurt is much piercing and hurtful than the anger and provoking itself...

I shared what happened to male and female friends ard... only one allows me to see things beyond the surface... with careful thoughts... i realised that ego and pride played the greatest factor...

My new year day was bad... and i blamed him for it... but now... i know... i hurt him...

"Jie lian huan xu ji ling ren"-- whatever problem, only the person who created it can solve it?!

It matters not who's at fault in the first place... but rather how the problem is created... and whoever is the culprit... Do something! solve it!

It's all about admitting to your mistake... if you're in the wrong, admit it... apologise! Be remorseful!

~AuRo`Na~
Monday, January 03, 2005

cold war!

Sunday, January 02, 2005

I think all relationships do have their specific problems....

Yesterday was 2004, and today... 2005, i spent my new year crying... cos there was this misunderstanding... due to miscommunication... There are no news of him... for 26 hours... he chose to ignore me... it's like a cold war... i'm quite upset... Indeed i might have say things which are rather ridiculous... do admit that i was over reacting to that matter... but there's absolutely no need to spoil my new year... It's ok if u can't spend it with me... and perhaps it may really be me who made the whole thing a mess... even if it's entirely my fault.. there's absolutely no need to dump me aside and make my new year a bad one... well, even if it's just a ordinary day... there's no need to make it a bad one...

My GF has the same problem as me... ha?! coincidence?!

I wonder if he has decided that perhaps, he can no longer live with this ridiculous woman... that he has to break it off and give himself a brand new start... well, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

I feel terrible... but what to do?! i've tried.. i took a step back... i've tried...

~AuRo`Na~
Sunday, January 02, 2005

2005

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Happy new year... my dear darling friends....

For this year....
1* i wanna slim down
2* i wanna be happy!
3* i wanna take control of my own life
4* i wanna be more assertive!
5* i wanna learn how to forgive and forget!
6* i wanna be more open about things happening around me
7* i wanna be loved...
8* i wanna be cherished...
9* i wanna smile everyday... like i never will smile again...

Cheers to all my friends... live life like you will never live again!

~AuRo`Na~
Saturday, January 01, 2005