AsPire To InSpiRe... BefoRe U eXpire...

Jealuosy... Possessive...

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

I can't help it... but to be jealous... and possessive... As much as i know that my bf can be trusted... and rely on... i have the other side of me which tells me that.. men are men afterall...

I'm damn bloody good at getting jealous and being possessive... i often give comments like... i can't trust the fact that i'm gd enough to keep him besides me... Then someone tells me that i don't trust him well enough... and he feels tat way too.. well.. sometimes la... But i'm pretty sure of my own feelings... that i doubt i'm good enough... girls who feel that they're fat.. will do anything to make themselves slim down... but not me... i think i suck... Yesterday morning.. he called.. and the very first thing he asked is if i'd went jogging... so i questioned if it's cos he finds me too fat... he said no.. that's for healthy living...

Told me just now that he'll be doing some... giving out flyers job for $15 a hour... maybe at Sentosa beach or in town... he told me that he has got 2 weeks before this assignment.. and he has to be bare chested... and that he need to go on a diet... I got totally pissed of by the idea... then he said.. that wasn't true... I felt very shattered... i wonder if it's cos i'm not open enough to the idea... or that i can't trust him enough... well then again.. there's something i know is very true.. that he always gets himself into awful mess with girls... that girls will hook themselve up with him.. and he often then not return me with no justice.. and got me very pissed off... I dropped silence when he mentioned the job to me... What's wrong with me... i know it's just a job... and there's nothing i should object to... But seems to me that job is offered by someone from NTU... and well.. who.. i don't know... cos that's what he says to me... i hope it's not some stupid shit things... well... i dont' know... i feel so screwed up... I hate the coming year... I hate it... cos i have no goo feelings about that... i feel that it's another year to get upset again...

Perhaps... for this new year... there's one very important thing that i should be considering... MY RELATIONSHIP with him... why stick to one relationship that doesn't allow you to look forward to a better year... a better beginning... a better life... when things are already.. in this case.. a very difficult relatioship...

Perhaps the problem is me... maybe that's the case...
Dying always seems a better option than anything in the world... it's not consolation that i needed... It's more or a change to myself that i needed... i hope i can become non chalent about things that's happening around the world... around me... cos that's what i'm bothered with most of the time.... haah.. selfish!? well... nothing of the material world matters to me... only the emotional part... I hope i can be bo chup about the things... and tat i will no longer get upset with minute details... and i hope i won't even be too bothered about things that i'll do to upset people... that in that case... i won't be bothered about everything else that's happening... I hate life... i hate my life... i hate......

~AuRo`Na~
Wednesday, December 29, 2004