AsPire To InSpiRe... BefoRe U eXpire...

I've done more than enough...

Saturday, November 27, 2004

It has been 1 year... 8 months and 2 weeks into my relationship with my bf... And life hasn't been the same anymore... Not as good as in the beginning... perhaps... i've enjoyed a much better honeymoon period with him... than many people would get to enjoy.... and it's paying back time... to start suffering... and... in a way... suffer more than other people would...

2 days back... we had a joint account... at UOB... it's something that we'll be contributing money to every monthly... He has gd intention as he said things like... "wow like that.. then every 5 years we'll w/draw the money and put into fixed deposit.. then wow.. by the time.. we'll just nice.. have enough $ for our son's education"... Wow... sounds good right.. then again... i feel insecure... not confident... having the account.. only give me the feeling that.. he's ready to settle down.. in this case.. settle down with me.... but i'm not at all excited with that...

My roomie also has a joint account.. with her bf... and i questioned :" u wanna marry him?" she was cool and replied: "Marry or not also never mind"... Well... hahaha.. great minds think alike.. i suppose... anyway... CK asked my opinion when i told him about my roomie's comment... and asked if i think the same way too... and i said... "Even f i wanna marry also have to see if the other party wanna marry me.. and evern if the other party wanna marry me... i might not want to still!"

He's been non chalant with me... ignorant with things that are going on... and can't be too bothered with my feelings... i gather.. he must be sianz.. with me...

Was out with my cousins and granny just now... to watch movie... THE INCREDIBLES.... hahaha.. super nice cartoon... Yesterday when he was at my place watching tv.... my granny invited him... then he said he was going.. This morning.. he said he woke up with a headache... and don't wanna go... I feel that his words can't be trusted... he suck... that he always don't do what he says... and that's rather disappointing... So... he was not there... he said he 'd go to sleep... i gather.. he just need some rest.. before.. he can continue watching his show... and absor the story...

Perhaps... i'm not such a fun person to be with.... so much of no fun that whenever he was with me... he'd be laughing his head out... and keep saying "why i so cute"... haha.. so much of being with me is no fun at all... I'm so not fun to be with.. that.. everything will be done for him... that... he always have nothing to worry about... he need not worry about when he has to wash his towels... when he has to wash his bedsheet... Cos everything is done for him...

Since my papers ended... i haven't really spoken to him... and even if i did... he always end up... keeping quiet.. and say nothing... Perhaps... it's always so much better for him to stay at hm.. whereby... he has got no need to talk to me.. no need to answer my questions.. and be good at avoiding issues... And that... he can shake off all responsibility.. and just blame everything to his parents.. without a need to answer for anything...

Why do men like to shake off their responsibilty?

I'm afraid of approaching him.. i'm afraid to look for him.. cos most of the time.. he's tied down by his family... if not then he's too non chalant to be bothered with me... i wonder what has gotten into him... Perhaps... i'm too boring... there's nothing for him to look forward to in me... There's no thrill and excitement... nothing in me.. that's worth keeping.. tat's worth anything... Well... Or rather i'm only of useful values to him.. that... someone will wash his clothes... and someone... will bother to cook for him... talk nicely to him.. even though he should be the one at fault... I know.. i'm not selfish when it comes to him... But i'm upset for myself.. then again.. it's my own point of view... my own perspective... But how to be too bothered with what he's thinking... He doesn't wanna talk.. doesn't wanna communicate... and it's absolutely not my fault... For once in my life... i'm sure... i've done more than enough.. more than i ever should... More than anyone can do for him... This time.. i'm sure...

~AuRo`Na~
Saturday, November 27, 2004