AsPire To InSpiRe... BefoRe U eXpire...

CrAckEd gLass CanNoT bE fIxEd... WhAt MoRe SaY WheN iT hAs ShAtTeRed?!?!

Sunday, August 29, 2004

TOld everything to Him... BuT? suRe he Does unDeRstaNd? hE aLmOst wAlk aWay FroM me? PromisSE nEva tO wAlK awAy wHen TheRe's a mIsuNderStandiNg... QuarRel... CoZ wEn u wAlk AwaY oNce.. u wAlk awAy twiCe... U waLk AwAy tHrIcE... AnD u'Ll nEvA tuRn bAck... Cos iT's eAsiEr tO wAlK aWay... ThaN To SoLve A ProblEm...

I BeT hE hAs nOt AnsWeR to My ReqUest... QuiT bEiNg InVolVed WiF UOC/2005... Ask Me Y? i DoN't KnOw...

I Hit HiM... ManY TiMes... AnD vErY haRd... On tHe Chest... AnD hE aLloWed mE to... VerY uPsEt ThAt i UsEd ViOleNce...

I hAd to VenT it OuT... And he'S my ObjeCt of ReSentmEnt... anD HatrEd... So? NoT hiT him!? TheN hiT mySlef? Then Am i StUpid or WhAt?

FinaLLy. Got EveryThinG oUt Of Me... But, WiLl iT mAke ThIngs Better? NOPE! uNlesS hE Do SoMeThIng fOr mE... ThIs tiMe... To CleAnse HimSelf frOm UOC...

Yes indeed in know him well enough.. and i understand him.. but can't expect me to be his stomach worm.. i need to be told.. need to be assured... Indeed.. i have faith and whatever in him.. but it doesn't change the fact that i've been disappointed..

was questioning why i'm still dwelling on matters htat happened in the camp...

But i told him....

"CrAckEd gLass CanNoT bE fIxEd... WhAt MoRe SaY WheN iT hAs ShAtTeRed?!?!"

Sometimes... it really does matter... how people look at things.. if say you are not bitchy.. but you potray yourself as a bitchy individual.. definitely.. everyone will see you as a bitch... so? it's yourself to blame....

I'm feeeling the resentment.. first time in my life... sadness has turned into resentment....*never b4 have i 'hated' someone.. and something in this manner b4...*

Good thing.. i used my fist.. imagine.. i gave the power of a tight slap.. what could be the outcome?

I asked: " why do you always question... -Why do you aways dwel on the past? -Why do you always feel this way? -Why don't you tell me what happened? -Why do you always like ot keep things to yourself? -Why do you even bother to feel this way.. n blah blah blah...

Ans: cos... i was hurt.. and you can't see how hurt i am... cos whenever i tell you something. my feelings have always been denied... so how should i tell you? how should i call and talk to you.. when i've been refused so many times.. in the past.. in the CAMP? Do you even have time for yourself?

Then why can't you question youself : "Why am i making you feel this way... Why is it that she refuse to tell me things..."

Told him: " Why is it that when things happen... it's always my fault.. when i say somehting. it's my fault... when i do something. it's my fault.. when you do or say something. it's also my fault.. when is it yours? Why is it that you have to make me feel like it's my fault.. when from the very start.. i know.. it's not my fault?!!?"

If he didn't quit UOC.. unless i can get over that resentment. and hatred... i'm not letting hin go for this once.. i won't forgive him...

Feels to me that he has become more buoya and cheeky... and it's irritating.. seeing his attitude and whatever... It maybe something that is hidden in him for so long.. or it's from Nigel.. his buddy.. someone whom he calls buddy.. it's irritating. aain... indeed someone can be your buddy.. but there's no need to go around saying.. hi bud.. bye bud...sucky... Not that i hate Nigel.. i think he's ok.. nice.. just don't like the influence he has on CK... Or rahter.. i hate the change and cheekiness in him.. it's DAMN BLOODY IRRITATING?!?!??!!

~AuRo`Na~
Sunday, August 29, 2004